Yesterday was a day of ups and downs.
It all started getting up before my alarm went off. I like to sleep in on weekends, but this one was prone to restlessness. Since I woke up an hour earlier than usual (1000, as opposed to my usual 1100), I figured that I would spend my extra time with my cousin.
We chatted for a bit before I took her out to lunch at TGIF. As some of you may know, there is a waiter there that I think is more than attractive. I don't know his schedule, but he happened to be there when my cousin and I arrived.
At first, we were seated off to the side somewhere away from his section. My cousin knew what I was thinking and requested a place near the bar area - so we could "watch the game", as she put it. How appropriate, right? With that, he came over to the table to take our orders. He hadn't changed, and was still as physically attractive up close as he was at my usual far distance from him.
My cousin and I deliberated about his age, his availability status, and his orientation. Eventually, I mustered up the guts to do anything any man would do when he sees someone that he wants - I asked my cousin to inquire about his availability from another member of the waitstaff. Normally, I would have asked myself, mind you. This case was different, as I wasn't picking up the usual signals that would have otherwise raised a few flags.
As it turns out, this waiter's girlfriend was sitting at the bar. She wasn't much to look at, though I'd imagine that she either has a great personality, or puts out without question. Not to say that she's a dirty whore or a cheap slut or anything. I just don't see any reason why a man so attractive would be with a woman that's really, really not attractive. Perhaps it's a classic story of the fox and the grapes - though I'm sure I didn't want to get bit by the jersey-wearing, blonde tarantula guarding these grapes.
After the lunch escapade, we were off to the Thousand Oaks Maul and then Borders. How I hate the Maul. Even if it contains a former-almost-significant-other. Borders was nice though, as I consider it one of my favorite places evar.
After we got home, I got a call from my dad. He asked me to come over to help him pack some stuff. For those that don't know, my parents are moving to New Mexico because dad was offered a nice job over there. They didn't want to sell their house here, and offered to let me live there and rent it out. Granted, I asked first that my name be put on the deed, so I don't pay the mortgage only to be kicked out with the next inevitable fight. All seemed well.
Perceptions can be misleading. When I arrived, dad was outside with his pipe. That meant that there was some turmoil inside. My instincts told me to get in the car and leave. But I didn't. Once I went inside, I had to play mediator, marriage counselor, psychologist, good son, bad son, and asshole all at once. It's psychologically and emotionally impossible for me to deal with my parents anymore.
What makes me the idiot is that I keep giving them chances, even though I know better. As our great president once put it, "Fool me once...shame on me. Fool me twice...well, there just won't be more shaming". So I'm going to take ol' Dubya's advice and stay away from them as long as possible.
During the last of the insults, my friend Owen gave me a call - and another excuse to leave. I headed over and then proceeded to Mike's afterward. The rest of my night was spent chilling with people I needed to be around for my sanity.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the strength to do what is right in the face of it." - J. Johnson.
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage" - From my metal bookmark.
But what is courage exactly? Does it include losing friends and family because you're brave enough to admit to being who and what you are? What about approaching people romantically only to be rejected again and again? Or refusing to be walked all over at work and ending up with the worst shifts and pay? What about holding up your ideals and maintaining your integrity though you miss opportunities?
You know there's another quote for things like this.
"There's a fine line between courage and insanity." - Some book I can't remember.
So, am I being courageous or insane? I really can't tell the difference anymore.