I'm getting bored at work. I know the process, the equipment, the bioware, human resources, all that, but I want more XP with other stuff, too. I mean, I do like my job, and most of the people that I work with, but I don't think that work is my life anymore - nor do I want it to be.
I want to go out in the world and explore. Maybe meet some interesting/available individuals. I don't know. I've got some really great friends here at home, but like most everyone else, I still would like that one special someone in my life.
I thought about all of this on my run (which I hate, by the way) and subsequent swim (which I love, so I guess it balances). Where is life going to take me next? What is the next chapter? Is there a next chapter? I can't sit around and wait for it - I'll be waiting forever. I've always been the type to go and get what I want, though I don't know quite how to approach this particular endeavor.
The next realization came to me when I was eating chicken: I 'm not the only one that wants more - most people are still looking for what they want out of life. Even those with significant others, dependents, and property aren't completely content with life. Perhaps it's human nature to want more. Or, more precisely, to want what we can't have.
So is that it then? Are we just a bunch of masochists that torture ourselves because we think it will get us somewhere? Do we have this illusion that we will eventually get what we want if we're "good" or work really hard for it?
That's not the case, though. It depends on what you're willing to do to get what you want. Wouldn't that make for a vicious cycle though? A person that is willing to do anything to get what they want eventually does through any means - but wants more. That would only most likely lead to self-destruction, right?
Perhaps my focus shouldn't be to "be happy", but simply be. That doesn't sit well with me though. I don't know my purpose in life to just be. Which, in turn, leads me to another question: What is my purpose in life?
Does anyone else have these kind of questions? Do they go in circles that remain unanswered like I do? I suppose I could list what I think I want out of life (for now, at least) and work at that. Hmm.
This weekend would have been perfect if it weren't for one small thing: my car. You see, when one has an off-white 1991 Chevy Cavalier, you can't expect much in the way of the coolness factor, much less top performance.
My car seems to have a lot of problems, but as it turns out, it's because of neglect on my behalf. Yesterday, I was driving back home from Simi with Gio as a hapless passenger, and I felt my car wanting to stall. You can call it technoempathy if you will, but I know my car.
Once we stopped at the traffic light right before you turn into my complex, my car stalled. I was pissed. Gio said to turn on my emergency blinkers, but I was more concerned with getting my car started again. It was very strange as to what happened next - all of my emotion over the matter died, and rationality took complete control. As that happened, Gio simply said "Ok, I'll push". Almost automatically, I did as well, and we managed to get the car out of traffic and onto a side street. The car started up again after a minute, but stalled once again when we rolled into my parking spot.
I checked under the hood again this morning. The coolant was empty, and my radiator had next to no water in it. However, the temperature indicator on the car wasn't telling me if it was too hot or cold, so I'm assuming that it's broken. I'm lucky that my engine block didn't crack, that's all I can say.
I need a new car. I've been looking at the Prius and Mini Cooper, but I need to save a bit more before either become an option.
Never become friends with a supervisor and subsequently try to make them non-friends. Said person in power with direct control over your career could take it the wrong way and make your life miserable - up to and including assigning you with the shift that you specifically did not request.
Don't fall for someone at work. By the same token, don't fall for someone that's already involved. I know as well as anyone that these things are not in your control - but the heart can somewhat be tempered by the mind. Don't ignore your heart, but don't let it take the reigns, either. It will most likely end up with heartache and future uncomfortable situations with the person(s) in question.
You can't make everyone happy, so don't try. You can aim to make the majority of people happy, but this ends up being very hard on you, and you must sacrafice your own happiness for others. I'm not one to tell people how to live their lives, but at least hear me out on this.
As much as we may not like it, we are bound to our families. Whether they may like you or not may or may not be your own fault. Do what you can to maintain some kind of contact with them, but don't let your life and aspirations suffer - no matter how miserable it makes you or them.
All of the effort in the world is nice and all, but what really counts are results. I know that it may pain many to hear that. You may love what you do, but be realistic and know your limitations. Results are what matter. If you can manage to find something that you like and that your good at, more power to you.
Never give up hope. Just because you don't get what you want or work toward, you might get something even better later. Keep your head up. However, bear in mind that you might not even get that, either. That's just life.
Some people have advantages that you do not. You may try and work your best, but prejudice, nepotism, favoritism, sex appeal, money, and a myriad of other influential factors can hold you back. It doesn't matter what you do; it's neither your fault nor due to your position. That's just how things are. All of us must live with these things.
Let yourself feel what you feel. When you're sad don't "suck it up" all of the time. Let yourself feel sad. When you're happy, don't lose sight of reality, but be happy nonetheless. When you're angry, be angry at whatever caused your anger - learn to channel it rather than take it out on those who did not cause it.
When someone doesn't agree with you, that doesn't mean that they're stupid, misinformed, or stubborn. It means that they don't agree with you. You may or may not be able to change their opinions, based on the circumstances, but you shouldn't force your opinions on others.
It's hard to be the bigger person all of the time. Try to not let the small stuff bother you. If that asshole keeps on it though, take them aside, alone, and let them know how you perceive things.
No matter what you do, not everyone will like you. That's just the way things are.
Life has ups and downs. Take each with a grain of salt. Personally, I feel that life has more downs, but that makes the ups even more valuable. Make the most of the good times.
Treat others as you would like to be treated - even if it's really, really difficult depending on the person in question.
When driving, signal before you change lanes. People don't like to be cut off.
And, perhaps most importantly, don't be afraid to be who you are. Because we all change as time goes on, don't forget who you were, either - life without a past has no lessons.
You know, now that I've started being more active (just to feel better), things still aren't going quite that well.
I mean, I've been swimming every night for a solid week, and last night, I added running to my routine. I don't like running all that much, but all of the physical activity helps me get my mind off of things and tires me out so I can sleep like a normal human being.
Work still gets me down. I see all of these people that are nice to my face, but stab me in the back. It's hard to stay cheery and upbeat all of the time, and I feel like my mood directly affects everyone elses' in the lab. On top of that, I see that guy that I like a lot more often, but it hurts to see him. I didn't think that it would after all of these weeks, but it still does.
At least he's not ignoring me anymore, though. He smiled at me a few times today, and he actually waved as I walked past him, even though I was thinking that he would ignore me as per his usual. His warm smile gave me a little bit of a lift as far as the mood goes, but I feel like I'm still going downhill. Hopefully, things will pick up again.
I'm trying different things to shake this gloom, but nothing seems to be that effective. However, I can say that trying to get back in shape has at least enabled me to let my thoughts go, at least for a little while.
I guess I just need to grin and bear it until it passes.
It's kind of hard to keep motivated at work when everything that you believed is wrong.
I used to be popular. I was invited to all of the parties in all of the inner circles and cliques, I always had someone to talk to, everyone laughed at my dumb jokes, and I never wanted for lunch partners.
No longer. I'm not invited to anything anymore. People view me as some kind of radioactive misanthrope. No one talks to me much anymore. No one laughs when I crack a joke; instead, I'm met with an uncomfortable "I can't believe you said that" brand of silence.
I used to be looked up to as a valuable and knowledgeable peer in the lab. People would come to me with a problem or question, and I knew all of the answers.
That's not the case anymore, either. I'm instead seen as some kind of condescending asshole that flaunts what he knows. I know that I'm not doing that. But it's a common perception.
You know, the real icing on the cake is that I thought that the guy at work that I really liked seemed to marginally reciprocate how I felt. I mean, he would come by to make small talk, look at me with more than just the typical glance, and was generally really nice to me.
Again, I was wrong. Now, he's so repulsed by my mere presence that he leaves the room when I walk in. Not only that, but he doesn't speak to me - much less even acknowledge my existence when I say "hi".
I don't know what happened. Why did everything change so abruptly? Did I do something wrong? Did some occultist bastard curse me? Did the Devil finally come to collect his due? Did I even have a due?
If I'm supposed to learn some kind of lesson about what it means to be a social outcast, I've already been there and done that twice. I have no need to revisit this lesson. This sucks. I need to enact Plan B. What is "Plan B"? Once I figure that out, I'll put it into action.
Today was a bad day at work. Yesterday was even worse. I haven't been able to sleep much; nothing has been going according to plan, and it seems like everyone at work is out to get me.
Taking a step back, I figured that it's time to improve my mood - but not with ethanol.
You see, ever since I was just a kid, I've always loved water. It's kind of hard to describe, but it makes me feel so much better when I get the chance to swim for a little bit (about 15 minutes or so, but 30 is even better).
Tonight, after I got home from work, I dug through my closet, found my old trunks, and proceeded straight to the pool.
The initial cold of the water sunk into my pores, numbing the stress and my nerves at the same time. When I splashed a little and swam around, all of the concerns drifted away, and I simply enjoyed the swim for what it was. Needless to say, I felt exponentially better when I finally got out of the pool.
Now I'm in a great mood, and I'm tired (but a good tired), so I'll sleep well tonight.
Yesterday, I helped my sister move from her house in San Fernando to an apartment in my complex. During said process, a certain boyfriend of my cousin's, not to mention names, accidentally crushed my hand between a wall and a heavy oak desk - and then dropped the desk, smashing my finger underneath its weight.
After moving, I went over to Gio's house. We played a quite a few dishonorable matches of Bushido Blade 2, an old favorite, until Bug came over.
Despite my smashed finger (which doesn't hurt, by the way), I was able to hold my own in a few matches, though one nameless opponent decided to use the Naginata.
After a few rounds, it was time for Gio's brand of negotiation. Whether through team effort or solo stealth kills, using young ninja girls or surly old chiropractors, every enemy was slain.
I went home happy that night/this moring, knowing that my ninja cravings had been sated (at least for now).
Isn't it odd though, how we get cravings for HP/MP RPGs? Bloody Roar? Ninjas? Well, not all of us, but a good majority. Perhaps it's some kind of biochemical regulation in the male body that has adapted to modern and socially acceptable forms of brutality, rather than prehistoric acts of bloodlust.
I have a really bad headache right now. The thing is, I never usually get them. I think that it might be turning into a cold or something (though I hope not). It hurts a lot. Imagine someone grabbing a large iron railroad spike and pushing it slowly through the middle of your forehead, splitting the left and right lobes of your brain as it works it's way to the center - then spin it in place like a drill once it makes contact with the pain center to which all of your nerves are connected. It's kind of like that.
I had my review with my place of employment, and don't get me wrong, I like where I work and everything about it, but I can't help but feel a tad shafted for my efforts.
First of all, I've given the company nothing but my complete support, time, and devotion. I've given a whole year of my life in pursuit of our common goal: helping people by using what we know.
I feel that I was crudely slapped in the face. You see, I had my annual review yesterday, and it went horribly. I was given feedback with all of the positives and negatives of my review, and I was taken back by some of the things that were addressed.
To clarify, I was basically told that I lacked maturity, need to develop a better work/life balance, that I'm seen as over-emotional, and that I'm spreading myself too thin.
We are rated on a scale that ranges from (lowest to highest): Improvement Required, Achieves Expectations, Exceeds Expectations, and Far Exceeds Expectations. I got "Achieves" for my review. In my opinon, that's pure shit. I am there more than 90% of most of the staff, I sacrifice my time, I'm flexible, I'm friendly, and I'm damn good at what I do.
Before I felt the true shaftage, so to speak, I asked a few others how they did. They refused to answer me directly, so I went and asked other connected sources. Basically, compared to some of the other people that don't do half as much as I do, I was totally crapped on. We get a certain percentage for raises, bonuses, and other rewards; I received significantly less than my co-workers. At that point, I was fuming.
I won't name names, but I guess if I was the woman that every guy in the office was hot for, I would have done a lot better doing a lot less. This young lady takes frequent vacations and sick days, comes in late, schedules appointments during critical operations, and always has these fawning guys cover her tracks whenever she makes a mistake.
I'm not bitter, just a little upset. It seems like if I do less, like other co-workers, I might get ahead. Provided, of course, that I play the political games and backstab people. I refuse. I won't do that.
I'm still going to do my absolute best. I'll shine through example, and though I may move up slower, I'll have my integrity.
Recently, I've had a a fair share of competition in the workplace. The young lady that I've been locked in a power stuggle with has kept me teetering precariously on sanity's edge. Not one to back down from anything like this, (whether due to stupidity or stubborness... I'm not sure), I confronted her head-on with my perceptions.
I took her aside, away from everyone else, and I let her know how things really work around work, so to speak. I gave her a piece of my mind (the splintered, fragmented gray lump it is). She stood there in what I could only see as frozen shock as I exposed all of her backstabbing plans and ambitions, but in a professional way. I told her what I thought, how it affects me, and what she should consider to correct her behavior before more drastic action would be taken.
After I finished my feedback, I saw something glimmering faintly in her eyes. I thought it was a cold flame of hatred, but found that it was a spark of humanity returning to her chilled soul. She appologized. She said that I misunderstood all of her actions and intent, and felt bad that she had made me feel that way. Then she explained why she does things the way she does.
I felt horrible. After that, we started talking like we used to in the Training Age, when we first started working together. Our time apart had driven us into ferocious competition, when all along we were working toward the same goal : mutual respect and visibility from one another. I told her what a great job she does, and she said the same (that I do a great job, that is). Once our old alliance was reforged, we shared some of our experiences and difficulties that we've had being apart.
Both of us have been having trouble from the same people. We have both faced adversity and rumors, and talked about how our reviews have gone. It's hard being an example, we both agreed. Now, with our renewed friendship, we're ready to take everyone else on. We're the best ones in our group, and we know it. However, being professionally superior doesn't sit well with others. We lead through example, and though it's hard for others to admit, they have to step up their efforts to show us up.
Last night, I had another strange dream.
I was at some tropical resort with my co-workers, and everything looked pristine and beautiful - until further scrutiny.
The bungalows that we were supposed to be staying were thatched with palm tree leaves, and the walls were made of dried bamboo and other reeds. However, everything was completely dessicated and the little hut suggested an ancient termite colony that abandoned it after they had their fill.
That was ok I had guessed, so I threw my backpack down on my assigned cot, and headed outside for a swim. The water in the pool was crystal clear, though the fence and planks surrounding it looked rather questionable. Some of my co-workers were precariously balancing on one of the makeshift rotten wooden planks over the water, and as I approached, one co-worker told me that it wouldn't hold my weight.
I tried to be careful, and scooted along the outside rim of the pool, though every time I tried to grab ahold of the old wooden and spider web-covered railing to catch my balance, I would see little egg sacs where I wanted to place my hand. My co-worker told me not to touch the sacs because they would burst and let little spiderlings out all over the place.
Needless to say, I had to grab onto something or risk falling into the deep pool, which now looked bottomless and very, very dark. There was something that looked like a giant albino shark with a huge fin of some sort circling around, waiting for a fresh human like yours truly to fall in.
Well, I grabbed the rail, and a horde of little spiders swarmed over my hand. I went to jump to the plank where my co-worker was warning me about it not being able to hold weight, and she screamed as I jumped. I landed, and tried to kick off of it really quick, all ninja style, though the board collapsed under me and brought me crashing down into the dark pool with the circling albino shark.
I hit the water hard, and it was cold. I swam up to the surface, trying to claw my way out of the pool, but as I did so, the remnants of the other planks and railings fell toward the water, bringing wood panels, tangles of spider webs, and lots of spiderlings with it. A plank hit my head, and I went under the surface again, only to see the white shark speed toward me. I tried to swim op again, but debris was still falling everywhere and I couldn't get out of the water.
Then I woke up. I have a bad headache too, and it doesn't help that I'm here at work, either.
So I bit the bullet and took the first step. I am trying very hard to mend the gargantuan rift that exists between my parents and myself. I know that they won't make an attempt because they dig their heels into issues so deep and have so much pride that the mere thought of yielding in any manner is out of the question.
I sent both of them identical e-mails, so they should know that I'm making yet another attempt. After all, they don't take my calls. Still, I've had varying degrees of success in the past. One good thing that I have learned from my parents though, is to never give up - plus, it doesn't hurt matters that I tend to be a tenacious asshole. Of course, this has gotten me into trouble in the past, but it has also lead me to some interesting situations.
I guess we'll have to see if they take my offer. I don't extend appologies easily, and getting one from me is akin to an Elvis Sighting - people claim to have witnessed them, though no one believes it.
I guess I'll just have to see how it turns out. If they still don't like me afterward, it's their loss. Some people could only be so bloody lucky to have me as family.
Something is different about today. The sky isn't so cloudy, and the Sun's midday rays burn brilliant golden spikes through the dark sanctum that is my room. Even now as I type, I can feel that something good will come of this day, though I don't know what.
I also slept rather well last night, despite the fact that I went to bed at nearly 4 this morning and woke up at about 9. Strangely enough, I dreamt that I was some kind of elf (akin to those in Hyrule - really big ears and funny hat and all), and that my friend Gio (also a Hyrulian Elf) and I found two wooden staves each with a large piece of polished amber on the top. His was intact, mine was broken in half. I decided that I wanted to go on a quest to repair the broken staff, but as I stated as much, a very powerful wind picked us up and we were thrown into some palm trees. I dug the sharp ends of the broken staff pieces into the tree's trunk so I wouldn't fall after the wind subsided, but Gio just floated to the ground like a feather. After I slid to the ground, both of us flew into the air over some suburb (maybe Hyrule in the future?), and I remembered Bug saying how fun it was to fly. Then I woke up.
It makes no sense to me. Besides, I'm not a Zelda fan like so many out there, so that kind of dream is uncharacteristic of the ones that I normally remember. What about the palm trees and the suburbs? I can't really pinpoint that stuff either. None of it corresponds to anything except my entry yesterday about fairies and Hyrule.
I checked that site Freaky Dreams too, and it mentions nothing if Link, Zelda, Hyrule, or amber staves. It does however, say something about the wind telling me that I'm overburdened and tired. It mentions that flying means that I have a some kind of control and freedom at the same time, too. Odd.
Perhaps the overburdening feeling comes from taking on too much at work, while the feeling of control and freedom reflects the fact that I am comfortable enough in making stressful decisions. I guess we'll have to see.
You know, it's not that I don't have an interesting life; quite the opposite, actually. Things happen to me all the time. Whether wrapped up in family drama (and believe you me, my family has a lot of issues), brewing scandals at the workplace, or personal life adventures, I should only be so lucky, right? As of late, though, I haven't had that interesting of a life.
A bit ago (actually, February 19th) I finally told the guy at work that I liked just how I felt about him. I pulled him aside and we talked alone, away from the co-workers and other gossip-whores that plague the area. Basically, he told me that [being gay] wasn't "his thing", and recounted another experience that he's had at a previous job when some other guy was hot for him.
Since I've shared my feelings, it seems like there's really nothing to look forward to at the workplace. I've lost the little spring in my step, and my mood has gone from vibrant to somewhat apathetic. Rejection leaves an oily taint of lowered self-esteem on one's person, and though I keep telling myself that I'm over it, I can't seem to shake this feeling. Most people have noticed too, and some have even asked so nicely, "What the Hell is wrong with you"? I tell them my little story and they chuckle of course. Then they all say something along the lines of, "don't be silly, he's straight - you're just dumb" or some other such words of condescension.
You know, I don't laugh when I'm told that someone is falling for someone else, nor do I ridicule. I don't say "Hey, she's way out of your league." or "Oh, she's married, just leave her alone." Why do they get to pursue their little interests, while I'm seen as the confused and bumbling idiot? Don't I deserve the same pity party that everyone else gets when they get rejected?
The fact that I'm hard-wired to like guys, so to speak, doesn't make the feelings that I have any different from anyone else's. It's just that the focus happens to be someone of the same sex, rather than the newest manipulative bunny in the office. If anything, I should feel relieved that I like guys and can't be seduced by these power-hungry seductresses. But I'm not. In fact, these women end up coming after me, trying to get me to fawn over them like all of the other men. When I don't, and I tell them why, they back off, and then they treat me like some rival or something.
I don't want to be involved in a stupid catfight. Just because I like guys doesn't mean that I like to compete with women or get caught up in women's power games. On the same token, I'm not a fashion guru nor do I consider decorating a fun pastime. I don't like to braid hair, and I'd rather have beer and pizza while playing video games with my friends than talk about the newest fall lineup from Gucci.
I'm not bitchy and feminine, either. I burp and cuss and quite enjoy blood and violence. I like to see things explode and watch action movies with no plot that star hot men using guns that shoot at each other. I buy movies with Russell Crowe and Colin Farrell not because I think that they have anything to add to the movie as actors, but because I like to look at them and watch them be manly and beat people up.
I enjoy watching some sports like football, though not to the extent of my straight brothers. And, though I can't dance, I do dance and make a fool out of myself. I even dance in cages, if one is present.
I'm also empathetic, and genuinely feel for others, though this doesn't make me a fruitcake or a fairy; I find fruitcake as repulsive as any red-blooded American and fairies are something that Link finds while rescuing Zelda.
I relate to everyone on some level, and though that may make me sensitive in the loosest sense of the word, I'm not sensitive in that, if someone calls me a mean name, I'll stand there and cry. I'd probably tell them to piss off, extend my middle finger, or maybe keep on walking.
Contrary to popular belief, I don't like shopping, nor will I ever. I hate the mall. If I must go, I go to get clothes because all of my others are ratty with holes. I look for bargains and even bitch about prices. I know what Prada is. I don't wear Prada, though.
I am a man. I have facial and body hair. Men without these things are weird to me. Men have enough testosterone that hair growth should be common. Completely hairless or shaved men frighten me.
So, to end my rant, all I have to say is that I'm a man. A common man like many other men. I'm not so different. I just like men, as opposed to women, that's all. Why does that make me a freak? Why do people ridicule? We all go through life, why make it harder on anyone else? And why, damn it, can't I complain and have a pity party like everyone else when I get rejected?